Classical Sass



Well, now that I’ve opened the gates of food posting, I suppose the only possible sequence of events is for me to submerge my blog with food bonanza.  I mean, it’s supposed to be a cathartic thing, this blogging business, right?  Right?  Hello??  Please don’t leave me.

Let’s also take a second to clarify what I mean by ‘Recipes’:  I have issues following recipes.  I thought I just had issues with authority in general, but I do just fine in lessons, rehearsals, school, police officers (uhm…like the occasional traffic ticket; like, not felonies; seriously, I’m not that girl), experts in other fields (doctors, real/professional chefs, plumbers…).  It’s recipes. I even do well with cooking shows.  But for some reason, whenever I am handed a recipe, the first and most pervasive thing I do is change the recipe.  I haven’t had a single recipe that I have to do exactly as it is printed, not even childhood favorites.

I also don’t measure things.  Even when baking.  They say baking is science, and that’s probably why, when I do cakes, I steer away from substitutions the way I do rampantly unpleasant things like STDs; you need science to figure out how and why substitutions work.  Which means measuring shit very carefully.  I think of my measuring tools with amused affection –‘aw cuteness, there in the drawer, but hey look, what if I dumped the flour in with this shoe?’  Just kidding; I rarely use footwear in my baking.  But basically, what I’m trying to tell you is that there won’t be many recipes of the commonly accepted type in this entry.  It will be closer to a list of flavors and textures.  With some random amounts of things and an occasional oven setting.  Yay?

Anyway, this blog entry will be updated off and on, forever.  I’ll just list the stuff that I’ve tried, and throw in an occasional picture/sarcastic summation.


1. One of my favorite cake combos involved Guinness, spiced rum, and candied bacon.

*Oh yeah, I also have this thing where I need to add alcohol to any cupcake/cake experiment.  I generally find the addition of alcohol to food a definite bonus both in flavor and texture.  (and by texture, I mean when your face gets fuzzy from all the booze, obv.)

The cake was a dark chocolate cake with a full bottle of Guinness in it.  Holy moist malty richness.  I think it was a devil’s food recipe that involved sour cream, but I suppose it also could have been a red velvet cake that I mutated into something that didn’t involve red or cream cheese in any way.  I used a pound of candied bacon (thick sliced, local, uncured, bacon rubbed with brown sugar spiced with cayenne, chipotle, and cinnamon, sprinkled with scotch, baked slowly till crispy, then loosely chopped) and tossed it lightly with a salted rum-caramel sauce (mostly caramel, less sauce; I wanted it to not be at all runny).  This mixture was then dribbled over a chocolate frosting made with four shots of spiced rum, melted Callebaut chocolate, sour cream, and a little of the same spice mix used with the bacon.  The cake had the caramel-bacon-frosting in between its layers, as well as covering its entirety.  I value thoroughness.

2. Smoothies:

I have a very casual relationship with smoothies.  As in, I dislike the idea of drinking an entire meal.  Bleh.  But, we recently purchased part of a cow in order to legally obtain raw milk, and, as you are not supposed to cook with the milk (high heat kills enzymes and increases your allergenic reaction – see this link for info on raw milk:, the best way to drink it is to put it in a smoothie, or eat it with cereal.  And I don’t really do cereals.
So here’s what I like to put in a smoothie – which, as it turns out, is great for when I am too lazy to cook anything:

raw milk, homemade ice cream (this week is organic peach goat’s milk ice cream with agave and cardamom), some sort of protein powder to bulk it up (I prefer Alive! Pea Protein Powder, Vega One, Amazing Grass Green Superfood, and Macro Greens/Reds – although the last one isn’t really for protein), frozen organic berries (especially blueberries and strawberries), organic raw acai (amafruits acai puree), raw honey or agave, high quality unsweetened cocoa powder (pernigotti, callebaut, valrhona, ghiradelli), and if you want, organic greek yogurt.

3.  Apple Pumpkin Pie:

I made this up.  Seriously!  I checked a pumpkin pie recipe to see how much liquid a pumpkin pie needs, but other than that, yeah.  Made up.  WOOT.  (I’m a little drunk.  It’s vacation now, and thusly, I’ve had wines and am not even remotely close to tired.)  Anyway, it’s a pumpkin apple pie with a cornbread crust (gluten free).  I used evaporated milk and a little sour cream for the pumpkin filling, spiced and sauteed the apples with apple brandy, ginger liquor, ginger, cardamom, cinnamon, and coriander, added brown sugar and the same spices to the crust, dumped it all in a deep dish pie pan (crust, then pumpkin filling, then apple filling), baked it for about an hour, and that’s it.  (Ok, so I baked it at 450 for about 15minutes, then at 350 for about 55 minutes – it was a BIG pie.)  It was all organic (except for spices, vegetable shortening, and alcohol), and not bad.  I don’t normally care for fruit pies, but I loved the texture of the pumpkin with the cooked apples.