Classical Sass

Food Fails

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Here are some examples of things that were NOT my favorites:

*Once, I tried to make strawberry-champagne cupcakes.  There’s a reason no one tasted these.  I’d never used fruit in baking before (seriously, I got into baking a few years ago, and adding new ideas is like trying to ride a unicycle in terms of success rate, for me), and I think I may have over-thought the ordeal.  Or under-thought.  Thought was definitely an issue.  I sautéed them in a tangy champagne sauce I’d made, mixed them into a trusty vanilla cupcake recipe (still mutated, but one that I’d used before), popped them into the oven, and waited for magic.

When magic arrived, it smelled like fresh baked sugared armpit.  ???  Oh noes wtf did I do?  Answer: I DON’T FUCKING KNOW.  I think maybe whatever dairy I used might have been off?  Maybe I’d forgotten to wash the damn pan?  The strawberries reacted somehow to the batter and the sauce while baking?  Aaaaugh science/I DON’T KNOW.  (why no, this doesn’t still haunt my already traumatizing dreams.)

Anyway, I’d already made the frosting, and was 74% of the way to convincing myself the smell was all in my head…so I frosted those bad boys.  With cream cheese frosting that I didn’t know how to make.  OH YES THAT FROSTING WAS JUST LIKE WATER.  So. Many. Fails.  In the future, there will be pictures of my fails.  Back when this happened, though, I was unaware of the twisted joys that arise from documenting my mistakes, and then laughing riotously over them while dribbling into a half drunk bottle of wine.

 

*I invited friends over for dinner (which, for me, means they are coming over for an evening of good food and fun, and thusly if my meal is lame, I will be mad at myself), and made steak fries and homemade agave-chili ketchup as a side dish.  The potatoes were vastly undercooked.  The End.

*Overcooked mashed potatoes.  THE BIGGEST EVIL OF ALL COOKING MISTAKES.  I used to slap down perfect mashed potatoes every damn time, without hesitation.  But over the last few years, possibly because I don’t eat them so frequently, I overcook the stupid potatoes, and then they get gummy and awful and the most amazing thing evar is just ruined and I wind up eating raw garlic to make myself feel better.  It would be nice if I had had a system in place for cooking the potatoes; but, in keeping with my never measuring anything, I also have no idea how long it takes to boil a potato till it is just prior to fully cooked.  I know what it feels like when it’s done, but fuckall if I’m paying attention for that long.  Ugh.

*Chocolate covered potato chips.  As a food item, these are DELICIOUS.  As a first attempt snack for me, they fucking blew chunks.  As in, I made a few batches, let the chocolate cool, tasted a few, was immensely pleased with myself and the relative ease of the ordeal, popped them into a tupperware container, and stuck them in the fridge.  I took them out a day later, and they were a soggy, chewy, gag-riddled, mess.  AND IT WASTED THE WHOLE BAG OF CHIPS.  not to mention chocolate.  criminal.  I’m punishing myself by eating several servings of extra cheesey homemade macaroni and cheese with lots of bacon.

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