Classical Sass

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Dear Dept. of Bullshit Complaints:

  1. Over cooked prime rib
  2. Raining an amount just slightly less than the lowest speed of your windshield wipers
  3. Finger in nutella or peanut butter jar, and it gets all over the back of your hand
  4. Low wifi signal ever at all anywhere period
  5. Your waiter/waitress is rude to you for no reason
  6. Your coworker is a giant, drooling, dick.
  7. People on the elevator are there and you can’t do anything about it
  8. Your pet cannot do anything invoking a sense of misplaced pride in you
  9. You have to take stupid required classes in college
  10. The deli does not have gluten free options
  11. The deli is not paleo friendly
  12. The deli is sick of your whining and now you are back to #5
  13. You have to cut your toenails
  14. Your hair hasn’t been cut or treated or anything special in many, many, weeks
  15. You have to skip your massage for a bit because it’s expensive
  16. You can’t remember that quote from that TV show and are thusly not clever
  17. There’s traffic
  18. You dropped something edible and now it is no longer edible
  19. Your backyard is a disaster and fixing it is just costly and time consuming enough to mute your caring to a subtle roar
  20. Shower curtain liners
  21. The baby carrier that you got so you could carry your dog around while you run, because your dog gets tired too soon, doesn’t work well and is uncomfortable for both you and the dog
  22. Your pets sleep on you in ways that are confining and, ultimately, aggravating
  23. Your coworker wants to be your ‘friend’ but he is a tea drinker and you will need wines. Also, #6.
  24. Your other coworkers are normal but you’re fairly certain you’re ‘that’ coworker to them. So you start drinking tea.
  25. It’s too late to eat anything without feeling horrible afterwards and thusly you have to go to bed starving or riddled with failure
  26. Reading requires too much energy
  27. You are burnt out five days into the year
  28. Your vacation gets cluttered up with work
  29. Your friends have babies and you don’t get to hold them right away
  30. You have a pimple
  31. Galoshes are weirdly hard to find and never on really good sales
  32. No one makes a good poncho
  33. You wouldn’t even need to know about rain gear if you didn’t live in the moistest, drippiest, ass crack of the entire western hemisphere
  34. Also, you are bad at geography
  35. Your favorite donut place is far away. Like 20 minutes of driving far.
  36. You only have an espresso maker in one of your locations during the year
  37. You are worried that it will take too long to make all the yummy foods you want to eat
  38. So you get tired from all the worrying and order pizza
  39. It doesn’t arrive quickly enough and now you are back to #25
  40. There are not unlimited episodes of Louie, Criminal Minds, American Horror Story, or House of Cards.
  41. You get mad at your friends for being unbearably self-involved and then spend 45 minutes wondering why they aren’t apologizing to you.
  42. You post on Facebook about your seven jillionth run, are careful to remember all the hash tags and to be funny about how this one was only seventeen miles long, and then the people who are supposed to be jealous and impressed don’t even notice.
  43. You behave like a condescending prick and are baffled when your friends are disgruntled by it
  44. Amazon Instant does not have the horror movies you want, even though you’re willing to pay extra for it
  45. Nothing should be extra; it should all be instant
  46. You are invited to visit your friends and you get really excited until it dawns on you that 28 hours of driving with three dogs is the same as tweezing a stranger’s grundle whilst singing 76 Trombones on an endless loop and then you are back to #34
  47. One of your friends tells you she doesn’t like Mozart and then you are a felon
  48. Universal remotes are a lie
  49. There is no gouda for your egg salad; only manchego.
  50. You drive four hours to hear an amazing orchestra perform something that only gets played once every decade, and the fancy restaurant across the street just happens to be serving your favorite meal, so you order it and they don’t ask you how you want yours cooked, and now you are back to #1.