Classical Sass

Hierarchy of Munchies

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***Lost Girl Season 5 Spoiler in #6***

  1. Vegetables or fruits. These only go under munchies because you can eat them raw and often with minimal prep work. They’re frequently high in fiber so yay for literal shits, I guess. Anyone who tells you eat fruit for dessert needs a time out until they learn how to not be so sadistic all the time.

 

  1. Anything you plan on dipping into hummus. Hummus itself. Like if you add an acre of garlic, maybe you’ll forget it’s hummus. But probably not, and then you’ll just spend the rest of forever trying to forgive yourself for eating something that is the exact equivalent of beach in a container. Why. You deserve to not eat beach. We all do.

 

  1. Pretzels. Meh. They’re salty. And come in a variety of shapes and flavors. The honey mustard ones are pretty good. You can dip the unflavored ones in frosting, which is, of course, advanced munchies, so kudos to you and your ability to adult on a rainbow of flavor and texture. But they’re also loaded with carbs and let’s be real, if we’re throwing caution to the wind, it won’t be on a shitty pretzel, frosting or not.

 

  1. Pickles. A good pickle is life. Homemade pickles are almost always good. If that were the end of the story, then pickles would be much higher on the list. But unfortunately, I’m a novice adulter (notice the topic choice for this list. hi.) and routinely making my own pickles has happened a grand total of no. And many of the store bought ones are awful, and even some of the better varieties have iffy jars and so it’s a fucking toss up each and every time. I’m not going to run my ass to my favorite deli every time I want a godforsaken decent pickle. For shit’s sake.

7 side note: nuts! Nuts are fantastic. Pistachios and macadamias and walnuts and hazelnuts and pine nuts and cashews and pecans. Gah. All delicious. But they’re pricey and the variety at our chain stores here is comprised of sunflowers in masquerade and Carly Fiorina singing some sad lonely song about inclusion.

 

  1. Dark chocolate. Absolutely wins at most of life. I keep a stash on me at all times. Because emergencies. Etc. That said, dark chocolate is filling. And a luxury. It must be savored and specialed and carefully doled out. So as far as munchies go, it only goes so far. You can sometimes pretend like life doesn’t matter and blitz out on reese’s or milk chocolate, but don’t do that wth, and if you do definitely never tell anyone you did it because you couldn’t adult enough to find the good chocolate. Be real and tell them it’s because you wanted to stuff your mouth full of chocolate flavored sugar and cry over Trick dying in season 5 of Lost Girl. It happens. Own it.

6 side note: ice cream. Only a side note to six because it is equally filling and I tend to make my own and so it’s a seasonal thing in our house. I know. It’s weird.

 

  1. Those little mini sausages. Little smokies? They’re so fucking good! Why are they so good. They’re probably made of tumors and deception. Don’t care. Gimme. You have to cook them, though. Which, like, why. Dirty pan, time away from Netflix, probably accidentally burning them, an inevitable grease stain; all sorts of crimes. When science fixes things that are clearly hurtful, we will be able to have hot, crispy, smokies that don’t require us to do anything in the prep field. The sausages are also pricey, though. Ugh. They should probably be lower on the list. But they’re so good! Shhhh.

 

  1. Potato chips. Please understand how much you are missing if you have lackluster potato chip appreciation. It’s fine, just know you are incomplete. As a human. Further, don’t be the perpetual bummer at a party and use a tortilla chip for dipping stuff. Be an adult and use a potato chip. Make it count. Get a boatload of dip and eat that gloriously loaded potato chip. If you put hummus on it, you will need to visit your sadistic fruit friend in time out. Bye.

4 side note: popcorn. I love the whirley-pop thing. I use froo froo fancy corn from an Amish farm somewhere and I coat it in composite truffle or garlic butter and toss it with truffle salt or some other froo froo fancypants salt and it is fucking scrumptious and is also nice to my blood sugars. I can eat a lot over the course of not-five-minutes, and it’s amazing. But, you have to make it. And be equipped with the proper corn kernels and fancy butter and salts and I’m just too fucking spoiled [lazy] [**broke**] to do it all the time.

 

  1. Cheese. CHEESE. Yes. It’s important to treat cheese like a skill. A lot of people really appreciate cheese but feel tentative because ew bleu cheese and blergh soft cheese, or something. It’s ok. There was a point in my life where I struggled to like cheddar cheese. I was only kind of ok with cream cheese and string cheese, and mac and cheese had to be Kraft or I wouldn’t even look at you. I love all the cheeses now. It takes practice, patience, and an open mind, but I assure you, it is well worth it. Friend someone who knows cheese. Who loves cheese. They will guide you out of love for both you and the cheese and it will be magical.

 

  1. An entire meat lover’s pizza. Don’t put ground beef on there. What the hell. There are other meats. Stop it. (also no overcooked chicken. No. there is no pizza cruelty on this page.) Add garlic. Onions. Be real about what you require from a crust. Do not order it and get all mature about how many slices. Eat the damn pizza. Close your eyes and chew and let everything awful just slide away. Allow Netflix and loaded carby goodness take you to that faultless utopia of otherness.

 

  1. Wines. Chewing is not a requisite with munchies.

 

 

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