Classical Sass

(194) Airplane Things

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A guy all normal professional style in a suit and everything. In an aisle seat. With his right leg crossed over his left leg, so his foot is in the aisle. Taking off his shoe and his sock. Fondling his toes. For the entire flight.

Someone eating eight packages of cheese and crackers which is four jillion carbs and now I have died of jealousy. Hey look airplane vodkas.

A girl with WPD (white people dreds) kicking my violin case that is neatly tucked beneath my seat in the terminal. I move my case further away from her and smile pointedly. She glares at me. Texts her friend, ‘this girl is hating on my hair’ (I knew because she, surprise, decided to be all in my personal space with her phone.) I switched seats and totally did not accidentally whack her shoulder with my case as I left. No because that’s immature and I am a grown ass person.

Older dude ‘accidentally’ repeatedly grabbing my thigh, despite being told to knock it off by both me and the flight attendant. (the second half of that sentence is for you fuckers out there with your ‘well she never asked him to stop’ meeping, k. Don’t say I’m not obliging.) Switching seats is such a hassle, I’m a hassle.

Self appointed line sergeants. Every. Time. So. Important. Are you 34 or 33? NO IT MATTERS ARE YOU LAW ABIDING OR AREN’T YOU.

Someone in this line will be splained to about line margins. It’s airport inevitability.

Dude kept trying to stealth fart but the toddler behind us was having none of it. Fingerpointing and a number. ‘He did three!’ ‘Four, mommy! He made a four!’

That kid is my patronus. Side note.

Seven (ish) year old sitting next to me. Looked out of his window and talked about how airplanes make him happy because visiting his dad is kind of like traveling in Star Wars. Broke my heart with his brimming smile and ecstatic imagination.

  • I’m not actually on a plane right now. I’m pre-writing a bunch of pieces so the trip is less crazy, and all of a sudden it occurred to me that some for-real airplane ish might be kind of a fun post. So I’m posting this one first, when I will be on the plane. Poor Facebook is out there getting the blow-by-blow, so y’all are getting off easy.


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