Classical Sass

Five Surefire Steps to Organization

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*from the google. i did not draw this.
  1. Wake up early. The key to a functional day is to get a head start on it, so make sure you are ready to embrace the golden rays of opportunity when they first hit the horizon!

*found via Google, but apt advice, right?

2. Actually, if you wake up early but haven’t gotten a good night’s sleep, then you’ll wake up wanting to shit directly onto everyone’s attempt at tact because fuck tact anyways and also fuck a morning in the ear with a cactus forever and especially when there is any remote adulting afoot. No. 
 Ok so yeah go to bed early in a half hearted attempt to avoid that.

3. Of course, the reason you’re up late every night is because night is the best fucking portion of being alive, with its enveloping dark and its mocking starlight and its creepy crevices and unlimited instant streaming for only slightly more than you can afford and no one telling you to go to bed because you’re a goddamn adult who convinces herself daily that she can drink coffee at any hour and has the best productivity after 8pm and anyway pizza is best when the world is quiet and no one can hear the sound of 47 extra toppings falling into the box, nor the cry of your belly when the entire thing has been licked clean. 
 And the reason you live for night time is because of habits that started waaaaay back in your formative years, when reading was your solace and quiet was your secret yearn and defying bed time felt right in places you only half recognized as real and so now we have to redo an ingrained habit, possibly genes. It could be genetic.

4. So while you’re redoing ingrained habits that were born early in your childhood, it’s time to take a look at things that you didn’t realize made those habits. Like your parents. And your teachers. And your fucking shame and sense of inadequacy that murmured silkily in your ear before you even learned what seduction was and then oops you hate yourself and are now wearing shoulder pads under a sweater that is made of knitted seizures. 
 Right, so you have to be on guard against those things. Go back to before that, now that you know to be watchful, ok.

This is Louis CK. Not me. I got this image off the google.

5. Once you have reached this state of purified focus and bliss, you can begin the equally arduous process of realizing the perpetual shortage of middle fingers needed for the entire concept of organization.

Tl;dr: Be a fetus. Be a forever fetus. The End.

Someone made this shirt. It’s on Red Bubble. And if that doesn’t kill your urge to be organized, then there might be no saving you.


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