I definitely didn’t spend most of today freaking out over healthcare. I definitely didn’t read 87 articles on very recent ish and I of course wasn’t promptly told by both people in my immediate social circle and rando strangers alike that healthcare really isn’t our biggest concern and if I would just grow up and be reasonable for three seconds, maybe I would see that. I definitely didn’t give up trying to explain.
Except wait no. All of those things happened. And the only surprising bit is the last one.
See, I never thought I would give up trying to get people to understand the literal life or death daily bullshit that is my life. How could I? It’s my goddamn life. The fact that I am still alive doesn’t make the fight that I have survived thus far smaller or less perilous. What the fuck logic even is that.
The fact that I have explained, both by example and by actual full blown fucking sentences involving my actual experiences, should be an important one. Instead, it is met with the unhesitating conclusion that the reason my struggles are so epic is because I am somehow bad enough to warrant it. I’m lazy, not smart enough, not responsible enough, not lucky enough. These accusations are thrown at me regardless of what I tell people to read, to listen to, to ponder, or to simply double shit tainted check via jesus unfucked google. They are thrown at me by people who should be fighting for me, not because they lean left, but because the idea that healthcare only works if you are someone’s version of smart, hardworking, responsible, and lucky, is a fucking arbitrarily moveable yacht of congealed tapir jizz and tangible failure.
I always explained. Always. And a lot. At great length, even.
And today, I fell silent. I heard the bullshit, in the face of…absolutely everything that has happened, to me specifically, but to our country and to my friends and my colleagues, and I felt the words, my will, siphoned right out of my heart. I just…I let them say it. I turned my face and my core away. I stopped investing in that conversation.
But when I stopped explaining, I realized it wasn’t merely the conversation that I’d released into the wilds of disdain.
It was my hope that people would believe I was a human just like them, if only they understood.
I killed my belief that these people would ever see me. It’s done. They don’t. And they never will.
Fuck them and good riddance.