Classical Sass

(248) Things That Didn’t Try My Patience So Much As Set It On Fire

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Baby Blues

Me (puts bowl in cupboard, where it always goes)
Bowl (hates me and the cupboard and life and smacks me on the head)
Me (catches bowl before it devolves into a full blown tantrum on the floor and firmly insists on proper place in cupboard)
Bowl (no)
Me: My head is BRUISED oh it is on now! (shoves bowl into cupboard, roaring unintelligibly)
Bowl (still no, also no whilst rolling across the counter and into the dog water bowl, which tips it over and spills its contents everywhere)
Me: Fine! That’s your new home then! See how you like not being my special popcorn bowl anymore! 
 (side note: don’t worry, we don’t have kids) 
Bowl (sullen)
Me (an hour later, hungry, belligerent, glaring at traitor bowl): Look at this lovely bowl, huh? See it? I’ma have the best popcorn in this bowl, asshole. Watch me do it.

Me (during a snowstorm in an area that shuts everything down if someone whispers ‘snow’ into an empty ice cream cone three states away): Hi, not sure how I feel about driving. Mind if we wait till Thursday or Friday instead of going this Wednesday?
Parent: The roads are fine. 
Me: Well, some of the main roads are, but not all of them, and none of the side roads have been salted or plowed or anything, so. I can wait to make the call on Wednesday afternoon if you want, but it’s probably better if we just reschedule.
Parent: The roads will be fine on Wednesday. 
Me: I will make that call Wednesday afternoon. 
Parent: Can you do Friday?
Me: Sure! What time works for you?
Parent: 4.
Me: Great, see you at 4pm on Friday!
Parent (Friday at 3pm): See you at 5 today?
Me: Oh no, I thought it was at 4.
Parent: I can’t do 4 on school days.

Pants #1: yay I love these pants whoa not clean no no ok next
Pants #2: ok yay these ones sure whoa I definitely can’t wear so many colors today, I could vomit no no ok next
Pants #3 (holds up tiny wad of shady cloth): hahaha where do my legs go.
Pants #4: How bad is that hole. It’s not that bad. It’s fine. Like it’s really that embarrassing for people to see my entire kneecap. We all have kneecaps. People should get a grip. Ok no fine whatever #adulting
Duvet: perfection.

Debra: People are so angry these days.
Me: Yep.
Debra: It’s really counter productive. 
Me: I think anger makes a lot of folks very productive. 
Debra: Well, not if you want to help people.
Me: How do you want to help people, Debra?
Debra: Oh…you know…just being supportive. Being kind.
Me: Good for you, Debra!
Debra: Thank you! I really feel like love will triumph.
Me: That is such a wonderfully lucky thing you get to feel.
Debra: Oh, it’s not luck! Being truly centered takes work! 
Me: Goodbye, Debra. 
Debra: ?
Me: I have to go be centered.


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