Classical Sass

(250) Solution

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A writer buddy (Zelda. It was Zelda) and I were discussing the lack of Doritos that happen at the end of every blog post. Actually, I was weeping over it and she very calmly suggested that maybe instead of worrying (or not; apparently the whole thing was over ads? whatever I just write here) about how to get writers money, they should just install food dispensers on our computers.

This is an excellent plan. Ok, so it means strange people will contact you and then need access to your home, or at least be able to find you and your laptop somewhere (public, with good lighting, be safe, folks). But you would (if not mauled by people who claim to have food but are really just creepy assholes in the violently illegal way) have a food dispenser that spewed caloric magnificence at you whenever you shat out a haiku or some emotional splerpage over a dead animal or 10 stages of some made up drama that traumatizes literally no one but you (HAHAHAHA whatever I have feelings too you know so what they look like Moses in an ostrich costume marching down Main Street).

You could customize it! You could opt for Snickers (obviously), but why stop there? Snickers shouldn’t come after every blog post. I wrote one on my toe. Come on. You could have potato chips and Reeses Pieces and peanut M&Ms and Kit-Kats and like, Rasinets for the inevitable toe post. You could upgrade to a beverage dispenser! COFFEE AFTER POST WRITING THAT YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE TO MAKE OK. Hot cocoa. Tea, if you’re that person. You could set it up so it dispensed food based on length of time typing, like a hunger gauge. You could mix it up so the type of food was a surprise — although, this is problematic, because if someone handed me rasinets after I wrote a solid post, I’d punt that fucklet straight back into the vending machine whence he came. Ok so no on surprise rasinets, no problem. You could have different melody rings for different types of foods so that eventually all Medium writers would also be Pavlovian disasters, more so than we already are, that is, yay! I forget why that’s good. You could get real about hunger and hook that dispenser up to a fully staffed kitchen and get that loaded deep dish they only serve at places in Chicago you’ve never been to because you don’t live there and every time you go Chad your hipster shitbuckle of a cousin always takes you to some fuckwad place that serves you beer with things at the bottom of the glass.

So, clearly this is a perfect and well thought out idea.

I look forward to Medium’s implementation of this plan.


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