Classical Sass

Alternative Dictionary, First Edition, 2017

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fifteen chickens.

The Arts — Like recess only way too expensive. Just imagine the three cups of coffee you could buy with the money that we use to fund this bullshit.

ACA — This really great deal where all my health stuff is super cheap. Comes with a Fuck Obamacare starter pack.

Christianity — Doing whatever I want because fundamentally I am a good person which of course is entirely unrelated to me being white. I don’t see color. I am part rabbit.

Kindness — I’m sad too that people don’t understand how I’ve been helping them with my affectionate disdain and my tender apathy and my nurturing greed and my uplifting outright violence and murder.

Life — Until my literal hand is permanently lodged in your uterus, you are sin incarnate.

Math — Seven jillion of my dollars plus your gum wrapper and bleak terror equals nine jillion of my dollars. Also, voter fraud.

Oppression — Because when I bully you and you ask why, it feels mean, like hate. Hate crimes are illegal.

Science — ahahahahaha I love Salty Tusk

Small Government — How small is small, really? What are numbers? Why complicate a simple solution with something as abstract as ‘population’? Why ruin this perfect glorious form of regulation involving cowboy boots, my great aunt’s gas lamp, and possibly bartering?

Taxes — SMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLL GOVERNMEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAANNNNNNT fuck these roads/libraries/schools/hospitals/veterans’ benefits/healthcare/breathable air/drinkable water/medical advances/ALL OF SPACE AND THE UNIVERSE/federal employee retirement benefits. Taxes are Satan’s way of hitting on you. Do you want to be dating Satan?

Tremendous — 20% of you’re-still-fucking-your-own-country-you-baby-handed-coral-tapir.


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