Classical Sass

(302) Jade Eggs and Some Supplements

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Well, it’s been another tedious day, so here’s this article:

Why. Why is there an article about Gwyneth and anything to do with our bodies or food or life or socks or shrubberies or kombucha. Why. She tried to eat like a poor person because YAY FUN TIMES GAMES hahaha funtimes it’s fun to pretend yay fun, failed miserably, and then meandered about the interwebs with 73 limes and an itchy vag that she couldn’t even tell anyone about because #health, but no for sure let’s continue to ask her what things we ought to do to be better at life.

She’s called GP.

Gwyneth, or GP, as my coworkers and I generally call her, is entirely undisturbed by the intensely fragrant air around us.

Anyways. I missed the entire jade rock orgasm booster bonanza somehow, but there’s an entire paragraph on it in there. So if you want to punish yourself for whatever reason, click the link and read all about rocks in your vagina and how 4,000 people are still waiting for their special pebble.

The big quote seems to be, “When I find something that works, I like to share it with people.” Which…I can’t even get angry about, because we clearly have different definitions of what works. She’s got a thing for great hair treatments, and I have a thing with being able to afford the hair on my head without needing a loan or a razor. Just like she has a box of limes, and I have a box that I refuse to stuff with a fucking rare stone because I know exactly where my goddamn orgasm is. I’d say fuck your rocks, but apparently that’s already their slogan, so.

This sentence pissed me off a disproportionate amount:

I start mentally ticking off friends and colleagues: tired, tired, tired, exhausted.

I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s the foreshadowing of pseudoscience.

This paragraph gave me hives, which was just apt timing really, since I stupidly clicked the skincare link and it took me to an entire other article that rawked WASHCLOTH at me and literally nothing else:

It started with my wanting luxurious, effective skin care without toxins. I mean, I’m an aging actress, I wanted that! Yes, it’s harder and more expensive to make creams and scents and lipsticks without harmful ingredients, but without all the fillers and texturizers, you get pure, powerful actives on your skin.

Also, pro tip, you can make your own wholesome whatever because people have been doing it for centuries and there are hundreds of recipes for them all on the Google and none of them cost four mortgage payments or have a waiting list or involve rocks in your vagina.

The number one thing women say is “I’m exhausted and I don’t know why!” I want to get to the bottom of why that is.

I mean, the link tells you that it’s because you don’t know how to fucking relax, GP. It says it right there. Which supplement fucks that toxin out of your system? Is it the one that whispers, ‘toxins aren’t a thing’ in the dead of night while you massage tomorrow morning’s raw sole fish facial mask?

The entire article meeps along like this. It’s not good timing, considering we have elected officials either bragging about healthcare only costing as much as an iPhone or being genuinely that-actual-amount-of-unabashed-privileged that does not understand poverty, healthcare, or empathy, we have an entire political party all too happily signing away even vaguely affordable care for an entire gender on top of shitting on the already fucktastrophic healthcare for the elderly and the seriously ill, and a regime in place that encourages it all with misspelled tweets and incessant and outright lies.

So here’s an idea, GP. Let’s get to the bottom of why our beautiful country fucks over its most vulnerable at every possible fuckforsaken juncture, without exception. Let’s get to the bottom of why seven shitty supplements isn’t going to cure every fucking disease because the reason we get those diseases is also connected to the capitalism you so generously uplift and coddle all of every vomit-addled day. Let’s get to the bottom of why someone with your platform and wealth claims to want women to feel better and then hands us all a bottle we can’t afford, filled with things that don’t work.

You know what, GP? You’re right. I am tired. I’m fucking exhausted. Maybe I just need a good steam, tho.


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