In case you’re wondering, I’m not going to have another meltdown about various things in this post. I’ve had some Very Fancy Tequilas, which you can only sip, so I’m over here with toasty cheeks and a vague recollection of shenanigans at most. Shhhh. Vague I tell you.
I would like to throw out big gooey thank yous to my Medium fam whilst coasting on my toasty perch, because per usual, a generous handful of y’all came and collected me off the ceiling and made sure I didn’t become an actual tangible swear word, just unfocused crass letters in the wind of angst. Thank you.
Anyways, I originally wanted to try and reclaim that lost post about my moments or whatever but no because it’s still trifled with and so I have to let it sit for longer. Omfg look at this ridiculous intro. I never do intros what the hell. #outofsorts
They say that your body completely renews itself every seven years. I mean, sure ok. Something about each cell in your body regenerates over the course of seven years. I’m assuming no one is claiming they run around like Leonard the Walking Tumor from X Files with a brand new everything in the eleventh hour of year six. I imagine that the saying comes from a gradual, microscopically spreading change that inches its way towards renewal with every rebirthed electron.
I’ve wondered if social circles are like that. I have a few that have weathered since I was an actual fetus (our parents were friends, and we got lucky and liked each other our whole lives), but even with these decades old relationships, there are cycles. Years of intense closeness, years of near nothing, years of warm balance and general unflinching fondness. Even without tumultuous uncertainty, there were cycles of varying depths of intimacy and expectation (or lack thereof) that led to different planes of friendship.
I’m getting ready to have a weekend with friends, and the beauty of it has kept me still and mostly without words for much of today. I met most of these friends and cultivated nearly the entire relationship online. Via Facebook, at that. I’m not saying everyone should love Facebook, but I am saying that online friendships are real. Fuck a general disdain for variety in intimacy, and moreover, fuck a dismissal of connections I would be lost without.
I realized that the circle of friends I consider family is considerably wider than it was a year ago. My life changed a lot over the last year, from career and priority changes to the addition of a second online world (Medium, y’all). So my family is bigger, now. And there are more on the way, I’m quite sure of it.
There was a long period of time where this would alarm me. Where I would be frightened that the time involved in each investment would tear me to pieces, where the sharing and showing up would threaten to leave me nothing but ashes and a starless night when the party ended, which it always does.
But…this cycle is different. It didn’t occur to me to be alarmed. I didn’t even remember the me that would have been worried until seven seconds ago when I started typing it. I have no room to be worried. I am ecstatic and eager and hopeful and thrilled for my family, my heart. I’m ready.