1. Definitely get in a huge fight with your partner beforehand and stand in the middle of rain and a giant line, in front of god and everyone, loudly not making eye contact. Be sure your physical distance is cold and punishing, but not blatantly aggressive because definitely don’t cause an all-out ruckus. Do not even murmur what your fight was about; be confident that everyone will know it was how your husband wore those fucking jeans that cozy up to the moist wedge just below his cheeks and every time he pulls them up, the entire line is blessed with a rerun of his tighty dingy whiteys weeping sad cotton wrinkles as they are smushed into the belligerent amorphousness of pants that died in ’85.
2. Definitely do not laugh or even crack a smile for the entire show. Fuck humor if it means your partner will misconstrue that as forgiveness.
3. Get there completely plastered and pretend like you are on date #YouAreMyEntireGoddamnWorldYouBeast the entire time.
4. Make sure to emphasize this particular date by arguing over the lighting so loudly that Lady Behind You With The Cute Guffaw has to shush you with increasing harshness over the course of twenty minutes.
5. Establish that other people’s experiences are total fabrications by talking even louder, until Less Cute And Considerably More Irate Lady At The Other Fucking Table (me) leans over and says, ‘HEY Y’ALL ARE REALLY LOUD PLEASE NO OK THANKS NO NO.’
6. Proclaim, in the sultry coy tones of a wrecking ball traipsing through a library that has just vetoed Twilight, that you weren’t even that loud and then explain different parts of your bill to five different tables in the not-near vicinity.
7. Sulk quietly for approximately three minutes and then remember how much you love Grundlepubes Jr to your left. Tell him All About It.
8. Be unfazed by Cute Guffaw Lady and Probably Carries An Axe Lady (me) when they both simultaneously whisper-shout, “Shut UP!”
9. Leave the show ten minutes before it ends in a blaze of Whatever We Were Just Here For Drinks Whoa Was Walking Always Like This Hahahaha Hey Look Is That My Personality Oh Wait No That’s A Nacho.
10. Laugh. If your laugh is loud, if you have a head tilt, a quiet sly shoulder shake, a hand gesture, a rhythmically complex giggle at the end of it, laugh. The one thing that lets us in to others with the quickness that lacks in nearly every other arena, is our laughter. We are shy and short of guffaws and chortles and snorts and giggles and tinkling chuckles that fall like surprised rain on a still pond. We need every rounded belly laugh that erupts without remorse or a tossed look over a shoulder. Laugh.