I learned two things about myself in the past couple days.
The big thing is that I can do trust the way I want to do it. I was worried for awhile…that it wouldn’t work, that it didn’t make sense, that the lines weren’t clear enough and I’d still get trampled all the time. I worried it was so different from the way other people seem to do trust, that I must be wrong to want to do it this way. I worried that no one would recognize the way I do trust, or they would, all the while refusing me the space for my own feelings about how and when I trust.
But I can do it. I did it. I am doing it. I can choose, and that choice, at any given time, feels easy and strong and unhesitating. I think the wound around the choice has finally healed, and I get to just be me making it again, rather than the frothing gerbil of actual fire that used to sizzle and shriek any time I got near a trust choice.
The other thing I learned was that I’m too fucking old to drive eight hours in one day for a concert. I used to drive as much for shitty gigs and then bounce right up the next morning for class. I definitely did not pull into events feeling like 43 individually laminated boogers stapled to last year’s limited edition lunchable meat. That’s a new thing I get to feel this year, I guess. Get off my lawn.