Classical Sass

(338) Nine Ways To Make Your Asshole Smell Like Fine Wine

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first image from Google search, from http://hightideliquors.com/portfolio-item/fine-wines/

9. Buy a grass-fed ribeye from your local farm. Tenderize and place it in a deep Tupperware container. Marinate it for 24hrs in brown sugar, Worcestershire sauce, a Brunello that shouldn’t be used on the fucking food ever you utter cretin, and garlic. After marinating, remove the steak from the fridge. Rub it all over your asshole.

8. Commit to making a porn video for your partner. Get all clean-shaven and naked. Lay on satin sheets with a glass of Veuve Clicquot in your cucumber and musk scented fingers. Glance coyly over your shoulder as you drizzle your fizzy down your gently arched back. Fart just as the bubbly reaches your crack, so your cheeks part.

7. Spend time in a barnyard. Name your asshole ‘Brett.’

6. Butt chug that bottle of Barolo. All the now-deceased college kids are (were) doing it.

5. Get 83 bottles of that same Brunello and bathe in it like the giant frivolous fuckbunny you are. Move to NY with your fancy pucker.

4. Feed your partner an amazing meal of oysters, strawberries, and chocolate. Suavely tip glass after glass of Domaine Labet Chardonnay down their eager gullet, as their cheeks trot ever more towards rosy oblivion. When they have finally reached their puke-prone end, flip your bare ass at their face and await the inevitable.

3. Go to a ridiculous restaurant. One of those ones where it’s $23 per chewy unseasoned scallop and another $74 for the green dribble that wants to be sauce but barely succeeds at surpassing what your toddler did to your shirt last night with his runny nose. Get the cheapest appetizer (sketchily cooked sea nugget with pureed booger) and wait. When the super classy couple at the table next to you gets the Domaine de la Charmoise Romorantin, 2012, drop your pants as their waiter uncorks the bottle. Grab your cheeks and hurtle your ass towards the nozzle.

2. Make a penis popsicle (it’s easy as long as you don’t care if it’s circumcised) with your last bottle of Sauternes. Sit and spin. Scream cry whilst crooning to your lover that now your anus is sweet as well as numb.

1. Do like the rest of us and literally drink until you are 100% comprised of fine wines. Namaste.

The original challenge was for 15 ways. I, despite years of extensive research and copious practice, do not know that many fine wines. I’d love to open up the rest of this challenge to y’all in the comments…if you want. 🙂

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