1. A special funnel that attaches to the top of a bag of chocolate chips so nothing spills out. It helps only me because they only made one, it’s for me, and I will not share it.
2. A beagle puppy dispenser that looks like a window but no it squirts puppies directly into my living room on alternate Thursdays.
3. A writing prompt generator that suggests listicles based on random bodily fluids
4. A Mary Poppins Wine Bottle. It helps only me because you can’t have it. It is mine. Mary Poppins is buried in my basement. Possession is nine-tenths. You can have that lamp from her bag.
5. A giant cat tongue that pops out of one of my studio walls and licks a student’s cheek every time they miss a note.
6. A morning deleter. Like a red button you* stick on your** nightstand, and when you press it, POOF! It is afternoon, you’ve*** survived the roiling evil that is the act of being wrenched from sleep and oblivion, and are already halfway to wines. *I **my ***I’ve
7. A trampoline where every time you* jump, you don’t come back down and are gone forever. *you
8. Pants that color my farts so every time I let one rip, the world is blessed with little puffs of stinky rainbow nonsense.
9. A fork that screams when it stabs things. Bonus points if it sounds like a goat screaming.
10. A pillow that whispers coyly about the fundamental and paradoxical inanity of productivity.
11. A Daily Douchebag Security System that lives on everyone’s left temple. If it is set off by douchey behavior, it transports the offender back to their house for the rest of the day. Ok, this one’s for everyone. Some things are for sharing.