Classical Sass

(350) Nostalgia Post

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This image has nothing to do with the post (other than chocolate) but it’s basically the patronus for this post, so. Yeah. Snagged it from: http://www.retailhellunderground.com/my_weblog/2013/12/chocolate-santa-fails.html

or, I’m sad-stressed (sassed??!?) about my dailies ending and so I got drunk and tried to make mousse and realized this is like that time I wrote about how to make ice cream whilst drunk and so here’s the recipe ready go

  1. Do not look anything up because you make mousse all the time; it’s your thing, you are excelfetn at it.
  2. Dump the rose tea and the black pepper into the melting chocolate. Inhale slowly because you are a genius who ought to be better about refilling your glass because you deserve it.
  3. Pour the sugar into the melting chocolate because that’s totally how that goes yup melty melty
  4. Beat the egg whites (it has occurred to me that I didn’t give y’all a recipe list. well guess what I didn’t have one either so there) to a sad dildo peak aka whatever add some sugar to it. Beat it more but for some reason nothing is happening peak-wise. Whatever freshman year of college; I see you.
  5. Whip the heavy cream till it is whipped cream. Add a little instant coffee because
  6. OH FUCK THE EGG YOLKS FUCK FUCK FUCK
  7. Dump the egg yolks into the still hot chocolate because time only exists to dry hump your sensibilities into literal paper cuts.
  8. Watch your glorious chocolate seize in ways that have never been documented. Stare, agape, as rose-scented Xenomorph Queen 2017 emerges from your double boiler.
  9. Gaze at your ruined chocolate and reminisce about that one time when you weren’t being a giant shitnugget in the kitchen.
  10. Scream cry at hubs about the ruined everything until he sympathetically pours you some gin and googles ‘how to fix Sass when she has clearly decided to nuke us all out of spite’ i mean ‘how to save fucked up chocolate’ or whatever it was he googled.
  11. Add 43lbs of butter because some dillhole was all THE ONLY WAY IS and despite him being a dillhole, and because you are 87% gins, you listen.
  12. Decide ‘oh for sure yes, this is close enough’ because a nubby brown yarmulke is totally what melted chocolate looks like yes
  13. Dump all of everything into the egg whites because fuck mousse and the very concept of food as art.
  14. High power froth it despite being explicitly told not to.
  15. Taste it and pretend, valiantly, that it does not taste like that one time you tripped whilst picking up your post-hiking boots and accidentally licked one of them.
  16. Pour it into a tupperware something and put it in the fridge.
  17. Set aside orange blossom water for the whip cream topping.
  18. Contemplate the giant bag of bagel bites you saw at Costco as you realize you need to be up in six hours.

https://www.paypal.me/ClassicalSass

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