Classical Sass

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(320) Things That Have Worried Me Today

Cyanide and Happiness, obvs

1. The NY Times article that was titled something akin to ‘People Who Don’t Wash Their Hair Enough All Have Ebola (or something gross and probably contagious)’ (I’m reasonably sure that was the title) (shhh) and then I read it and the entire article was like JUST KIDDING YOU SMELL BAD IS ALL HAHA and then I spent eight hours hating all my ‘friends’ for not telling me about my awful scalp odor and then I had a meltdown and made hubs swear on all the pets that he would work harder at letting me know when I’m smelly.

2. It’s warm out. I’m not ready. I was also not ready when it got suddenly slightly colder a few days ago.

3. I still haven’t received my last bill (for this year) from my pharmacy, and have at this point concluded I will be charged for items that I paid off last month and the month before and they won’t care and they’ll take hundreds of dollars from me and I’ll just be over here with the exact same amount of supplies and zero ability to fight back and make it right and then even if, by some eclipsical miracle, that doesn’t happen and I get the correct bill for the correct amount, why the fuck is it taking so long and can I get a discount because y’all were slow and annoying about it. Why is there no Trifling Discount.

4. I legit couldn’t remember a single thing I knew how to cook. All. Day. Long. Not like I couldn’t remember the recipe, like I couldn’t even think of things that could be cooked. I’m all looking in the fridge like, ‘but why are we out of cheese? Can’t I just eat sliced cheese all day? What else even exists?’

5. I can’t find my favorite sweatpants. I suspect I ruined them months ago and blocked the memory out. It’s probable that I will never be truly comfortable ever again.

6. I still don’t understand Patreon.

7. I forgot to go to a DC Costco while I was up there and now there is a very serious hard alcohol shortage in this house. We might be stuck with wines, which is fine, but what if I never go back up there. You don’t know. It is almost summer sangria season and we need gin for that. Shit is not simple. Nothing is ok.

8. Milli has figured out how to pull a blanket over her and now I am convinced she is too independent for home life and will run away in the dark of an over-protected evening.

9. Ok but what if that bill for all my medical supplies is catastrophic, tho. What if I can’t pay it and they just cut me off while they ‘sort it out’ and I am out here not having summer sangria or an active Patreon account or a single wedge of decent cheese or sweatpants that don’t remind me about the vast and fundamental discomfort found in being human for any length of time and my dog has run away because we are too basic for her.

10. I used to have hobbies and now I have ebola hair and an inability to adapt to weather of any kind.

Calvin and Hobbes. in a discussion that would give me internal hives.