Classical Sass

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Reasons I Am Bad At Work Politics

*TW* this post is not about the debate shmoofy that just happened

‘New’ Boss (finally notices I work there): Hey, it’s good to have you with us.
Me: Oh yeah. Thanks. It’s good to be here!
NB (nods and walks away)
Coworker: Did you not introduce yourself when you started here?
Me: Is that a thing? I have to initiate? That sounds like it’s not a thing. Isn’t it a thing for me to just show up and do my job and not be a rabid douchebag all over everyone?
Coworker: NB might think you’re a douchebag for not introducing yourself, though.
Me: Ugh whatever like being a douchebag is even the worst thing, anyway.
NB’s Boss walks by and smiles at both of us.
Coworker (smiles broadly and waves)
Me (resting bitch face)

Me: Hey hi what’s the code for the copier again?
Coworker: Same as yesterday: it’s the first four letters converted to numbers from that one verse of that one song that was popular in the 80s. We picked that on purpose so it would be easy for everyone to remember.
Coworker (glowers directly at me and still somehow manages to be passive aggressive about it)
Me: haha right I am a lost cause hahaha. So what is it.
Coworker: You know, everyone else remembers it. (shakes head at me as am eighth wonder) It’s 8945.
Me: OMG THAT VERSE OHHHHH I AM SO SILLY. (trots off with resting bitch face intact)

Me (prepares for work)
Coworker (does not)
Coworker (glares at me for being obvious about being prepared)
NB: Hey, CS, when you prepare so much, it’s really just you saying you’re better than the rest of us. That makes you not a team player.
Me (resting bitch face.) (prepares anyway.)
NB: We really feel like you could just relax a little, ok, CS?
Me: I am relaxed. This is my relaxed face, see?
Me (resting bitch face)

HR Rep: I just don’t know that there’s anything we can do.
Me: The behavior creates a hostile work environment. It’s bullying, and it is illegal. Further, there’s no stretch of any definition that makes the assumptions of power part of that person’s job.
HR Rep: I just…don’t know…
Me: About which part? What don’t you know? Because it can’t be what this person is doing. I just told you what they’re doing. There is documented evidence that proves they are doing what I, and many others, have stated they are doing. So what don’t you know?
HR Rep: Maybe you could…just play the game a little?
Me (resting bitch face)

Coworker: UGH I just hate it when NB’s Boss doesn’t stick to the meeting agenda.
Me: I love it, though. Life is full of surprises. These meetings are just more dandelions in the field of deceptively beautiful growth. Like how cancer cells are beautiful under a microscope or to a scientist or whatever.
Coworker: Are you saying you think cancer is beautiful?
Me: Do I look like a microscope?
Coworker: You terrify me.
Me: It’s because I don’t know the stupid song for the copier, isn’t it.
Coworker: No, I just…sometimes I think you could obliterate my soul.
Me: But then you wouldn’t have to sit through bullshit meetings.
Coworker: So I guess my terror is good?
Me (shrugs): Whatever gets you through the meeting, right?
Coworker (flees)
Me (resting bitch face)

NB: Hey so remember how we talked about you relaxing?
Me: Yep.
NB: So, basically, you know. Smile more.
NB: Maybe bake more cupcakes.
Me: I feel like my apron straps would interfere with my work.
NB: Don’t you worry about that!
Me: How about I do my job, though? What about that part?
NB: I am telling you how to do your job.
Me (quits)