Classical Sass

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(355) Things I Say Every Day

Garfield. Obvs.

I’ll give you five dollars to tell everyone I have Ebola, but am being treated.

I don’t have five dollars.

Something smells like pee.

Is it me? I’m the smell.

My face looks like lasagna that a dog ralphed into a shoe.

I just got bit by a shitcrumb mosquito I hope it ate too much and explodes all over his buddies in a splattering of over-sugared bloody failure.

Oh wait no that’s just a blister. Fuck shoes.

Remember when something awful didn’t happen in the news? Yeah no me neither.

Remember when it was vacation? Yeah no me neither.

I’m gonna get home so early today! I can totally fit in some more practice! It’s going to feel so good! Lookit me!

Oh shit I forgot about those last three hours of teaching oh.

What the bare minimum fuck is this bullshit.

Oh I see it’s Drive Like You Are Unwashed Nads Incarnate Day oh ok. Wish there’d been a news bulletin.

Let’s buy lottery tickets.

Why are you like that.

Fuck science tho.

Why is anyone still pretending like Debra is worth anything, up to and including a basic salutation. What sheer hypocritical fuckery even is that. What would a fire need to obliterate to let the unbridled truth of her futility rise from its mediocre ashes like the bald, crooning phoenix it is.

There’s not enough butter on this popcorn.

There’s not enough butter in this house.

Why the fuck can’t we get the butter ratios sensible after a decade.

Where are my ice picks.

Hey look wines.

Dilbert. Duh.