Classical Sass

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Troll Tips

I blocked a troll today and thought I, with my singular blocking incident, would very generously help y’all out with some tricks for figuring out if people are trolls or just an unfortunate combination of lacking social skills and being horribly self-indulgent.

  1. Use words that are really annoying. It’s better if they are just archaic enough to remind the possible troll of their desperate, unfucked, college days when no one would explain Shakespeare to them. Today’s word was ‘thusly’. POOF! The argument switched from hopefully pawing at the original topic to outright mocking me for my word choice. #TROLL


2. Refrain from qualifying their queries. This a for real pro tip, because despite my reluctance to engage with people who stink of belly button goo and a putrid refusal to listen, I wind up in a lot of conversations with people who sea lion until you can hear weird barking at your door accompanied by an odd thumping. Skip out on qualifying their info needs entirely. #nope


3. When they meep at you for not explaining shit to them (and they will), be epically horrified by your laziness. Defintely use a lot of exclamation points and emojis. Video tape yourself wringing your hands and fling the recording into the internet void on the off chance that your possible troll will see it. (Aka put it in the reply section and hit enter/publish.) Definitely pour yourself a large coping scotch. Single malt, obvs.


4. Sip that scotch while PT berates you for not helping the community of which you fancy yourself an ally. Savor the smokey richness as it slides down your gleeful gullet while PT figures out a way to turn your laziness and ignorance into proof of your wrongness.

5. Because it will take PT lots of time to do this (I’m sure this is related to bungling Shakespeare in college somehow, but whatever #assumptions), pop some popcorn. Melt some butter. Order some truffle salt off Amazon that will obviously get there in seven seconds because Amazon is run by the gremlins who stole Mary Poppins’ bag. Toss popcorn in butter and salt. Then, bake a cake. From scratch because don’t be an asshole. Chocolate frosting, obviously. Sit and eat your popcorn and your cake.

did they just do this. fuck everything i typed up there and do this instead. guys. do this. this this this.

Wait fuck this post was about night time munchies. This is what happens when you don’t order dessert at the restaurant, people. FFS.