We all succumb to dick moves on the road at some point. Accidents happen. Sometimes we have bad days. I get that. The ratio of utterly fuckwit driving maneuvers to number of drivers on the road at any given time is something like 97:1, though. It’s a rough estimate, but based on extensive exposure, I can’t imagine it being much less.
The explanation behind the steamy mounds of bullshit occluding your path at all times is repulsively simple: some drivers presume many things based on shady evidence or, more frequently, nothing at all. Many firmly believe that their aura is a real and vibrant parade with balloons, cheering, floats, and the occasional country singer, all vibrating enthusiastically around their existence at all times. They feel that their extraordinary aura permeates the air around them and thusly, they must have immortality and sparklies slithering out of their assholes at every moment. They drive according to the laws of Assumed and Entitled Awesome, and if you don’t check yourself, they will fuck with your sanity and leave you crying softly into your armpit while you swerve inexplicably into the corpses of rudely-robbed-of-their-rightful-parade-aura schmucks that litter the road in every direction.
You can see them in the midst of their constant parade as you strive to survive the mangled, bloodied, shitstain of a highway they’ve left behind them; they ride with universally stoic expressions because, although it is hard to be made of such concentrated awesome, it is crucial that they bear it well; the continuity of life depends upon their perpetual oblivion with specific regard to the single-haired, frantically drooling, twitching pile of haplessly sane humans, all of whom can’t remember why the fuck anything that required faster travel wasn’t rendered a crime long before some clever dillhole figured out the wheel.
There is a way out of the canal of liquid feces that constitutes other drivers. I wrote it a while ago, but it belongs here.
Daily Douchebag Test
*If you answer yes to Question One or fail the test, all outdoor privileges will be revoked for the next 24hrs. Ie, you may not leave your house. A passing grade is awarded to scores of 100% only. Immediately after completing the DDT, all memory of its contents will be wiped from your brain.
1. Are you going to be a douchebag today?
2. How do you know you will not be a douchebag today?
a) Well, I am never a douchebag.
b) I believe the way that I drive/behave/speak reflects my personality and today feels low on douche.
c) I got laid last night.
d) I have really good friends who tell me I’m awesome no matter what I do, thusly it is impossible for me to be a douchebag.
3. If you did turn into a douchebag today, what would you do?
a) Feel incredibly lame and apologize immediately.
b) I told you already that due to never being a douchebag, I also never have to deal with repercussions for my behavior.
c) The only way I’d ever be a douchebag was if I had a good reason. So probably I’d make that reason be whoever was standing closest to me and then demoralize the sad sack till he admits to being wrong.
d) I’d be really defensive for a few seconds, but then I’d feel sheepish and wish I’d stayed home. Then I’d get over it and go about my day as a normal, non-douchebag.
4. How do you know when you’ve turned into a douchebag?
a) The typically small kernel of horror that resides in my soul and simmers gently while life carries on all of a sudden turns into an overcooked matzo ball and moves into my esophagus.
b) Well, sometimes people seem pissy about things, but I’m definitely not responsible for other people’s feelings. So there really can’t be any way to know.
c) If I need something from the person telling me that I’m a douchebag, usually I’ll come around…
d) Usually the douchebag comes out when I haven’t really thought about why I’m upset; if I start to spout, I suspect douchery.
5. Were you to turn into a douchebag, how resentful would you be if a random non-douchebag became irritated with your douchery and flattened your face? (10 is very resentful, 1 is not at all)
a) Any number below 3
b) All other numbers
c) This is boring. What number will make this test go away?
d) Ugh. All of this is making me remember all my previous douchebag moments. Where is my martini?
Congratulations!! You have completed your DDT. Brought to you by a society that strives to eliminate unnecessary douchery at any cost.
1. Presumably self-explanatory, but just in case: yes means you know you 1) are a permanent douchebag, 2) will be one that day or 3) think the test is lame and are answering sarcastically…and are thusly a douchebag. No means no.
2. A: Uhm yeah you’re a giant douche, probably all of the time. Have fun at home. B: Yay! Not a douche! Have fun in the real world, see you tomorrow! C: Post sex endorphins grant you benefit of the doubt for this question; ROCK ON. D: Douche. Big time douche. And get new friends.
3. A: Not a douchebag! At all! We in the Anti-Douche Society support reflection and self-critiquing. Carry on. B: Dear Douchebag, your repercussions have been happening ALL YOUR LIFE. Wake up. Also, aren’t you tired of staying at home? C: Quit blaming others for your douchery. Have fun in your bedroom all day. Reruns suck. D: This one is iffy: if your answers for 2,4, and 5 are non-douche, you’re fine. If not, you win a hot date with your microwave.
4. A: Anti-douche, and quite possibly manic depressive. Be careful, but kudos on the moral responsibility. B: There are many ways to know, and here’s the easiest one: YOU ARE A DOUCHEBAG. We hope it isn’t permanent. C: Agreeing that you are less than what you know yourself to be, simply because someone who is supposed to be helping you wants you to think that way, is pretty douchey. It’s not as douchey as a lot of other things, but it’s pretty high up there. Go to your room. D: Ding ding ding! This is a fantastic way to detect douchery; well done!
5. A: Correct. Sometimes normal people can’t help themselves when around exceedingly asinine douchebaggery, and abrasions occur. It’s ok to be ruffled by the beatdown, but anything stronger is just unwarranted. B: Nope, if you suck at life, you should expect someone to punch you in the face. If it doesn’t happen, you just got off lucky. Oh yeah, and you’re a douchebag. C: If this test is boring, then you really are not as invested in keeping the world douchbag free as you should be – which is just as annoying as being an actual douchebag. Perhaps you will find this test more scintillating after some snuggles with your DC40 multi surface cleaner. D: Yes, it is ok to wish to delete memories of previous douchebag extravaganzas from existence. Although it doesn’t make you a current douchebag, it also doesn’t work. At all. Sorry.