Lollyball used to be my insurance company’s mail order pharmacy. I have changed the name. (You will never guess the original company because my faux name for them is far too crafty.) At the time of this post, I’d received my drugs and medical supplies from them for over eight years. This is an example of a regular phone conversation with them.
Lollyball Lady #1: Hello, this is Lollyball. We are calling to see if you need a refill on your insulin pump prescriptions?
Me: Yes!! I need-
Lollyball Lady #1: Ok ma’am, I just need you to verify some information first. Name?
(this rigmarole goes on for about ten minutes, and involves name, repeating spelling of name three times, address, repeating address twice, and phone number, also repeated twice. Letters like E and R get confused. Also, numbers like 4 and 2.)
LL #1: Ok, great. Now I see here that you receive the Cleo 90s 31 inch infusion set, and the Animas IR 1200 cartridge reservoirs, correct?
Me: Yes. Please make sure that the Cleos are the 9mm cannulas, though.
Lollyball Lady #1 (annoyed): Yes, they are, ma’am. (they have gotten my cannula size wrong a couple times before, wouldn’t take the product back, AND made me pay for the erroneous product, and then told me a few different times that my cannula size was no longer available.) Now for your blood glucose test strips, are you still using the same meter?
Me: Yes, but-
LL#1: Ok, we can refill your test strips; we just need to make sure we send the right amount out to you. Are you still checking 15 times a day?
Me: Yes. But I actually use two different meters; I use the ping that goes with my Animas and the Verio. Can we do half One Touch Ultra and half Verio this time?
LL#1: Well, ma’am, we no longer carry the Verio test strips.
Me: But…but…you just said…but, that’s the meter I’ve been using. And you just told me you could refill my order. So…are you telling me now that you can’t refill my order?
LL#1: Well, let me check, ma’am. Oh, I see here that we can refill your order. So you were saying that you need One Touch Ultras instead?
Me: No. I’m saying I need half and half, because I use both machines. Can we do that?
LL#1: (does a bunch of number crunching, and discovers that you can, in fact, divide a portion of boxes in half, or at least come reasonably close) Yes, we can do that.
Me: Great!
LL#1: Is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Yes. I need a refill on lisinopril.
LL#1: Ok, let me look that up. Oh, well that’s a drug. Aaaaaand…ok we can reorder that for you.
Me: Great!
LL#1: Oh, but, my apologies, we can’t order that here.
Me: Uhm…I’ve always gotten it from you guys in the past…
LL#1: I will need to transfer you to the pharmacy department.
Me: Ok.
(‘music’ aka the soundtrack for every cheerleader horror movie scene ever)
Lollyball Lady #2: Hello?
Me: Uhm, hi.
LL#2: Hi.
Me: Is this still Lollyball??
LL#2: Yes, this is Lollyball.
Me: Ok, I was supposed to be transferred to the pharmacy department so I could get my lisinopril prescription refilled.
LL#2: Oh. Really? Well, ok.
Me: Are you…the pharmacy department?
LL#2: Sure.
Me: Great!
LL#2: So, do you have an account with us?
Me: Yes. I’ve been using you guys for a long time.
LL#2: No, I mean like an existing account?
Me: Yes. Yes, I do. I have an existing account with you guys. I get all my stuff from you all the time, always.
LL#2: Well, you haven’t ordered lisinopril with us in over a year.
Me: I mean, ok. But I received a bottle of it from you guys less than four months ago, because I have it right here. I’m not sure what to tell you.
LL#2: Ok, no problem, ma’am. We just need to transfer you to someone in our pharmacy department so we can set you up for a delivery.
Me: (aaaahhhhhhhYOU LIAR YOU TOTAL DRIBBLE FESTIVAL OF LIES YOUR PHARMACY DEPARTMENT IS CLEARLY MADE OF HOAXES AND ILLUSIONS AND YOU’RE JUST LAUGHING AT MY RESOLUTE EARNESTNESS FUCK EVERYTHING) Ok.
(‘music’) (I think there was singing except for it might have been me screaming.)
Lollyball Guy (there was only one guy this time): Hello, Lollyball Pump Division.
Me: No. Nonono. I was-
LG: I see you need to reorder your pump supplies, ma’am. I’d be happy to help you with that.
Me: I’ve been helped! I was just helped! That order was already done! It’s been done! I already did it!
LG: Ma’am, the last time you ordered with us was back in June.
Me: I…yes. Yes, but like just now, I ordered new pump supplies from two ladies ago and she put the order in, and then I was supposed to be transferred to the pharmacy department so I could reorder my lisinopril, and then I got some lady who clearly didn’t know what was going on at all and maybe doesn’t even work at your company, and I don’t know how this is getting all messed up.
LG: (all of a sudden realizes I might be capable of setting his phone on fire from wherever I am sitting) Yes, ma’am, I see now that that order is processing, and the lady you spoke to is working on your pump supply order. Yes, I see that now. And you are telling me that you need to reorder lisinopril? (bear in mind that there was not a single person at the pharmacy pronouncing the drug correctly.)
Me: (sigh) Yes.
LG: Ok, I’ll just need to transfer you to the pharmacy department.
Me: (laughs hysterically) Sure, why not.
LG: I will stay on the line to make sure that call goes through.
(shuffling; a minute of ‘music’ that was probably supposed to be a guitar but was, instead, seven pigeons vomiting onto what used to be hope for my future; transfer)
Lollyball Lady #3: Hello, I see that you need to refill your lisinopril prescription?
Me: Yes.
LL#3: We’ll just need to set up an account for you.
Me: The one I already have with you guys doesn’t work anymore? Why isn’t it the same as the pump supply one?
LL#3: Well, it’s just been awhile since you last got drugs from us, that’s all.
Me: (I HAVE DRUGS FROM YOU GUYS FROM LIKE FOUR MONTHS AGO OMFG I HATE YOU) Ok.
(exchange of all the information that I gave an hour prior to LL#1.)
Me: So…can’t you just access the information from the pump supply department, and then put that in the file?
LL#3: Yes ma’am, that’s how I know you needed lisinopril. The problem is your doctor and insurance information have not been updated.
Me: It’s the same. I go to the same place, the new doctor’s name is the same as the one I had when I ordered in June, and my insurance is the same. It’s the same. Also the same as the info I gave the first lady I spoke to today. All of that info is the same info. Same.
LL#3: Sure, ma’am. It’s just that there are a lot of Dr. Steve Smiths. (I changed his name because I don’t know how my endo feels about online privacy whatevers.) Is it the one in Fairfax?
Me: No. Because, you know, I don’t live there. I live in Norfolk. Which should be in my file.
LL#3: Well, can you give me the phone number?
Me: (looks it up online) Sure, I’ll just google it. On my computer. Because I have the name of the hospital and the doctor’s name, and it’s easy to look it up. On my computer that I have right in front of me. (I give her the phone number. It needs to be repeated several times. This entire process is repeated for my insurance information, which has not changed at all in 8 years.)
(then we go through another ten minute exchange involving her needing to call the drug by some long number, and me telling her that all I knew about the drug was that it was lisinopril, 5mg, once a day, and that it was fine if it was the generic version. Ten minutes.)
LL#3: Excellent, ma’am. If we can get in touch with your doctor, we’ll have this prescription renewed and mail you your drugs right away.
Me: If?
LL#3: Yes, ma’am.
Me: (lets it go.) Ok.
LL#3: Thank you, ma’am, for choosing Lollyball, and have a nice day.
Me: (omgthisconversationisendingomgomgomg) Thanks, you too.
I wasn’t going to post this. However, two days later, I got a call from another Lollyball agent asking me if I needed to refill my pump supplies. That lady found my order in the system and apologized. Two days later, I got another call from another lady from Lollyball, and she told me my order was not in the computer and I had to redo the entire thing. Then I was told that they could not fill my glucometer strips, and after arguing with her for ten minutes over how I was not going to buy their brand of glucometer because it was easier for them, she finally said she would look into getting me the correct strips, and would call me back in two days. It has been two weeks, my strips have not arrived, and I never received a phone call. (Well, I did get a phone call, but that was because they wanted to tell me that Type 2 Diabetics don’t require insulin pumps and they would need to override my insurance maximums in order to fill my order, and also how come I’m not on Metformin.) So I’m posting this. Because, braindribbles.
*I am now on a different (still near catastrophically expensive) plan that covers my every need, and have been working with a mail order pharmacy that has, thus far, been brilliant. KNOCK ON WOOD. shhhhh don’t poke the medical care/treatment tigers shhhhhh
Classical Sass 